J knows I have a lot on my plate and asked me to send him the kids. If I did, I could slow down and get everything taken care of. I said, “no”, because the boys are still in school . I don’t know if it will matter in Mexico if they finish this year or not but it matters to me.
It is exhausting, he used to take the boys to school every morning (I got to sleep in). He also used to cook most of our meals, especially our weekend meals. They miss him so much. Manuel says “we can’t play King Kong anymore”. Johnny is very quiet and has this gloomy look upon his face. He was his daddies shadow, from the moment they got home they talked animals, fishing, camping, and watching river monsters. How can I possibly fill that void?
I know they would all rather be with their daddy, including Elaina, as she too would leave my side to climb all over him. If I had to go out, none protested that they wanted to come with me. I had to bribe Elaina if I wanted company by cooing: “I am going shooooopppinnng! I will buy you a toy!” or “Want to go to Tina’s house?”
It’s hard with Elaina. We are not used to leaving her. Well I could leave her with anybody if they showed any interest. J wouldn’t deem this acceptable and I am trying to do things as he would want them done. She is a handful. I can’t take her everywhere, especially when I am dealing with important documents where I have to pay attention.
He suggested I send her. I know he wants them. I know he misses all of them. I know it would be easier with just the boys. I know she misses him and she would be extremely happy. I know she could not be safer with anyone else. I know I will see her in just two months. I know I would have so much more patience with the boys, because I get so impatient due to her “I am a princess attitude”. (Where did she learn that?) I also know as I glance over at her and she is scattering Cheerios all over the floor and wiping her milky fingers all over her shirt, that I don’t know, if I have it in me, to part with her.
What I’m scared of? Not seeing her for two months, not seeing her every night. I am weak and can’t accept this temporary change.